Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
