How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
