just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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