That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
