my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
