Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
