everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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