Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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