The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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