I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
