Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
