He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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