Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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