For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Watching her eat just hurts me
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
