we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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