We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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