Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize