I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
