I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
