She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
