Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
