I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
