You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
