The maid of honor just puked.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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