last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
