How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize