Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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