Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
