I only kidnapped one of them. chill
People with herpes should wear stickers.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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