It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
