why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
