The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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