dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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