At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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