it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize