Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize