WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
