You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
