theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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