I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
