What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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