um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
