last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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