There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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