Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
