I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
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