I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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