he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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