Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
