I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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