i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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