Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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