plz talk dirty to me
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
