No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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