dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
