my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You're earring is so big in my mouth
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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