I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
