This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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