No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
