next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
