This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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