Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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