Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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