I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
