His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
