I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
