he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
