Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
