It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
