Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
ok first of all what the fuck
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
