Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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