i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
