Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
