doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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